


Ghosting and other fuck-ups

by Fandomthings



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Getting Together, High School Reunion, M/M, Misunderstandings, Rated teen for swearing, They talk about self hatred, and about depression for a moment too so, because what enjoltaire fanfic doesn’t have misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 05:36:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19823626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandomthings/pseuds/Fandomthings
Summary: Grantaire wasn’t planning on going to that high school reunion. Not after he had just left and ghosted most of his friends from the moment he graduated five years ago.





	Ghosting and other fuck-ups

**Author's Note:**

> This fic deals with quite a few (past) feelings of self-hatred. They speak about mental health and depression is mentioned once too. Don’t read this if you think this could potentionally be triggering. Stay safe!

Grantaire wasn’t planning on going to that high school reunion. Not after he had just left and ghosted most of his friends from the moment he graduated five years ago. 

As if the extreme guilt wasn’t enough, everyone would surely hate him for him doing so too.

But at the time it just seemed like such a good idea, and the only thing he could do, really. 

“But you have to go!” Jehan said one night as they were discussing the topic. 

Eponine chimed in too. “You’ve been running from this whole thing for long enough.”

“I have not!” He defended himself, even if he knew she wasn’t technically wrong. Eponine and Jehan were the only two he stayed friends with. Jehan because they ended up in the same major at the same college, Eponine because, well, she’s Eponine. 

“You have,” Jehan rolled their eyes. “Come on? Please? The guys are always asking how you are.”

Grantaire doubted that was true. Jehan was probably just being nice like always, and trying to get him to come too. 

“What do you have to lose?” 

Nothing, but at the same time everything, he guessed. He had been running for the past 5 years, and this could bring some kind of closure he really didn’t want in the first place. 

But maybe it was Jehan’s puppy eyes, or Eponine’s stern look, but before he knew it he had the date of the reunion written on his calendar. It was time for a break. 

—

_ From: Eponine _

I know you’ve been sitting in the car for like 15 minutes now

_ From: Eponine _

Just come out, you’re already late

_ From: Eponine _

Don’t make me come out there because I WILL get your ass in here

_ From: Jehan _

Please just come in 

  
  


He sighed. There was really no way around this anymore. 

His legs felt like jelly as he stepped out of the car to the entrance of the once so familiar school. The hallways still looked the same, save from the fact that the walls got a new, very much needed coat of paint. The memories of those four years of school quickly flooded back to him, something he tried hard enough to push away for those past five years since. 

Grantaire took another deep breath before opening the door to the room where all of his old schoolmates would be sitting. It was somewhat terrifying.  _ Come on, you can do it _ , he said to himself as a little pep talk, although his heart was racing in his chest. 

Swinging the door open full force wasn’t exactly the most discreet thing he could’ve done, but it was more so an accident. Accident or not, it certainly got people’s attention.

At first he saw a bunch of people he vaguely recognised as his old classmates that he never talked to too much. And then there was a loud gasp, which he guessed was from Courfeyrac, and an “Oh my God” from Joly, but it was Musichetta who was practically sprinting at him from the other side of the room within millisecond of his arrival. 

“Fuck, Grantaire, you jerk, where have you been?” She said, embracing him in the biggest hug straight away. He couldn’t exactly blame her for calling him a jerk. 

Over her shoulder, he saw the rest of his old friends who were coming closer now too. Some had a puzzled look on their face, while some looked surprised and others just lookee angry. It looked like they had changed almost nothing, but at the same time like they had changed completely. Like they were still his old friends, but complete strangers at the same time. Perhaps that was true though. Weren’t they practically strangers at this point?

It all barely registered in Grantaire’s head and couldn’t even manage to look all of them in the eye.

“I’m sorry,” was all he could bring out as he returned the hug. 

Musichetta let go to step back, and then the real awkwardness started. All of them in half a circle around him, and him all alone on the other side. 

There was so much he wanted to say.  _ Sorry,  _ or  _ I shouldn’t have come _ , or _ I missed you,  _ or even  _ I’m an idiot, I know _ or perhaps  _ you’re welcome.  _

“Oh my God you’re pregnant,” he said, no, almost screamed, instead when his eyes fell on Cosette’s baby bump, immediately regretting it. 

He had expected to get scolded or glared at for saying so, but instead she grabbed Marius’ hand, and both had the biggest grin on their faces as she said “sure am!” 

“I’m so happy for you,” he said sincerely, because he really really was. Cosette and Marius had always been  _ that  _ couple, and he had never doubted their love. She looked like she was glowing too. 

And then it got weird again, as if it wasn’t bad enough before. All of his ex friends - are they ex friends? Grantaire didn’t know what they were - Coming really was a bad idea.

Next to Cosette was Bahorel and Feuilly, who had apparently started dating last year, according to Jehan. Both of them had rather disappointing looks in their eyes. Next to them, Eponine, who was looking at him with these eyes, silently telling him‘ _ say something!’.  _ He ignored her eyes. Musichetta, Joly and Bossuet were still together since high school too, and Joly was walking with a cane now and Grantaire really hoped it wasn’t anything serious. Jehan was leaning their head on Courfeyrac’s shoulder, and although he knew they had gotten together, he hadn’t actually ever seen them together, but it made so much sense seeing them like this. Combeferre was smiling sympathetically at him. 

And then his eyes fell on Enjolras. 

Enjolras, who was still as pretty as 5 years ago. 

Enjolras, who was a politician now, and even though he had seen him from to time on the local news, he still looked even more fierce in real life. 

Enjolras, who he would’ve followed to the moon if he merely asked him to. 

Enjolras, who was looking at him with the most questioning eyes. 

He averted his eyes. 

“Fuck, this is awkward,” Grantaire acknowledged. 

“Why the fuck did you leave us all?” Bahorel flat-out asked. He didn’t sound exactly angry, but he lightly squeezed Feuilly’s hand, who definitely looked angry. 

“I-... well-...”

“Tell them, Grantaire,” Eponine said, crossing her arms, clearly done with his bullshit. 

He sighed for the millionth time. 

“I didn’t think you actually liked me all that much so I decided to do you all a favour and just leave,” he admitted. And yeah, it sounded even more stupid now saying it out loud, but those past 5 years happened and there was nothing he could to do change it. 

“That’s stupid!” Feuilly chimed in. “Most of us even sent you texts the first few months, asking how you were!” He argued. “And you didn’t stop him?” He turned his anger towards Jehan and Eponine now. While Jehan looked like he was about to argue, Eponine just kept looking at Grantaire. 

The texts had been hard to ignore, but he had pulled through. He had to. 

“No, they did, don’t be angry at them,” Grantaire admitted. If he could’ve run from them two too, he would’ve. “They  _ really  _ tried.”

“We did,” Eponine nodded.

At one point, Eponine had gone into his dorm, scooped him up from his bed where he had been lying for the past few hours doing absolutely nothing, and carried him right through the door.  _ ‘We’re going to see our old friends and there’s nothing you can do about it’, _ she had said, resulting in Grantaire heavily protesting. But when they realized the lift had broken, they both knew it was over. Eponine was strong, sure, but carrying Grantaire down 5 flights of stairs was too much for anyone.  _ ‘Fine, go back to your room and be miserable’, _ she had said then, as she set him back down on the floor. He wouldn’t admit he was miserable though, even if he was, because he was doing this all for the greater good. He was doing this for his friends. 

Enjolras spoke up now, because clearly things just kept getting worse. “So you hated us?” And he sounded angry, which was fair, but Grantaire nearly flinched when he heard that voice again in real life for the first time in years. 

Maybe he still wasn’t completely over Enjolras. 

“No, I really did it to do you all a favour!” He tried. “I thought  _ you _ all hated me. Okay maybe not everyone, but the majority of you at least.”

“That’s…” Combeferre began, weighing out his words in his head before saying them. “I just want you to know we never hated you. None of us,” he ended up saying. 

“And we missed you,” Courfeyrac added for good measure, and the rest just kinda nodded, but Enjolras was still staring at him angrily, and Bahorel squeezed Feuilly’s hand again, who was still trying to look not too angry. “But that really wasn’t okay.”

“Grantaire, I’m not gonna lie to you,” Musichetta said. “That was a really shitty move of you.” 

“I know,” he admitted. “And I’m so sorry.”

He wasn’t sure which of his friend’s reactions broke his heart the most, but right now he really wish he could turn the clock back. Whether he would turn it back to right before the reunion and just not come, or back to five years ago though he wasn’t sure. 

“You stopped boxing. And fencing,” Bahorel stated. 

“I didn’t. I just went to a gym closer to my college,” he defended himself. That was one of the things he hadn’t done on order to run away from as many people as he could. Switching gyms was merely a necessity to be closer to his college. “That really wasn’t because of you.”

Bahorel seemed to believe him and dropped the subject. 

“I really don’t understand why you thought you had to leave,” Cosette said in a softer voice, which he barely heard over the quiet chatter by the other people in the room. 

“My head was… really fucked up,” mental health was  _ not  _ an excuse, he shouldn’t have done it, so he wasn’t gonna use it as one either because that just wouldn’t be fair, but it was the reason he did it in the first place. “But I was wrong. And I’m sorry.”

And then Enjolras spoke up once again. “Grantaire? Can I speak to you in private for a moment.”

“Enjolras,” Combeferre said in a low voice, lightly shaking his head to him. 

When it finally registered in his head what he had just asked, his heart started racing even more. Fuck, Enjolras was going to give him a whole speech on how he was the worst person ever, the worst friend ever, how it wasn’t fair that he had just left. And maybe Grantaire knew that was the truth too. And maybe he fully deserved a speech like that. Okay, he definitely deserved a speech like that. 

“Right, let’s go outside.”

Courfeyrac wasn’t having it at first. “We see him for the first time in five years and now you’re swooping him away? Really?” He had said. “Can’t it at least wait a few more hours?”

It probably could wait a few more hours, but that wasn’t Grantaire’s call to make, and he wasn’t about to start a discussion with Enjolras already. 

Jehan ran their fingers through Courfeyrac’s hair in order to calm him down, and gave a small nod towards Grantaire. 

— 

Once they were outside, it was raining because that was just Grantaire’s luck. So that’s how they both ended up in his old, dimly lit car, both staring straight forward and staying silent. Neither of the two really wanting to break the silence, no matter how awkward it was. 

“I can’t believe you’re back,” Enjolras said after what felt like way too long. “And I still can’t believe you just left in the first place.”

_ Don’t get used to it _ , is what Grantaire wanted to reply, but he kept it to himself. 

Instead, he turned himself towards the other, who was still staring straight forwards. “It’s weird.”

“You know, Grantaire, you really broke my heart when you suddenly ghosted us all,” said Enjolras. “I thought we had something between us.”

Wait, what?

“You? A heartbreak? Because of  _ me _ ?” He asked in disbelief. It sounded like a joke, and a stupidly bad one at that, but Enjolras looked as sincere as ever and more vulnerable too. 

In that moment, Enjolras suddenly seemed to have decided he had said too much. 

“It was extremely rude of me to just, come here and talk to you about that when the rest just really wants to speak and talk to you I-,” he said way too quickly while opening the door of the car. “Let’s go back.”

One leg was already out of the car. 

“Close the door,” Grantaire said way too stern before he had actually left because if Enjolras was gonna drop that bomb on him then they were gonna talk about it, goddamnit. “Please explain,” he said in a more quiet voice. 

There was a sigh and the sound of a door closing. 

It was dark, but not dark enough for the pink shade on Enjolras’ cheeks to go unnoticed. “Well, yeah, I thought it was obvious I liked you. And everyone told me it was obvious you liked me. But it’s fine, it’s my own fault for believing them.”

It all started to sound even more like some bad joke now. 

“But, I did-...” he started, not knowing what to say at all, because really, what do you even reply to that?

“Then why did you say no when I asked you to prom?” Unlike what he was used to, Enjolras’ voice was small and vulnerable. 

“If I’m being honest, I thought you were just doing it to make some kind of statement,” Grantaire admitted. He barely remembered being asked to prom, because it was a memory he’d rather forget for that exact reason. When he had told Eponine about it, and the fact that he didn’t think Enjolras was being serious, she had called Enjolras an asshole and said he deserved better. “You know, as the first same-sex couple at prom in our school? So it would make other lgbt+ kids more comfortable?” 

Of course he wanted to go to prom with Enjolras, it had even been something he had been longing for since the first day he laid eyes on him. Refusing to be used rather than actually wanted though, he had told Enjolras no. At the time he had really thought that it wasn’t serious. Looking back, it sounded stupid now he said it out loud. But hindsight is 20/20, and it’s not like he had a very high self-esteem at the time. Enjolras  _ actually  _ asking him out was so far out of the question, that was the only explanation he could give at that time. 

“God, you-... this is so stupid,” Enjolras chuckled lightly, burying his head in his hands. “But I guess I could’ve been more clear. But apart from that, especially during senior year, I just really thought there was… something. I don’t know. I can’t really explain it.” 

“We fought a lot,” Grantaire remembered. It was almost like their thing, which is sad. Another indication that he was absolutely useless to their group. “I actually kinda thought you hated me, but everyone else stayed friends with me, God knows why, so that’s why you did too. For the sake of keeping us all together.” Which is really why he thought he was doing them all a favour. 

“Fighting? Those were just heated debated!”

“Right,” Grantaire rolled his eyes. “What’s the difference?”

“They’re very different!” Enjolras assured him. “And I didn’t hate you at all. Actually, I’m glad we had those discussions, it challenged me in a way. Though I must admit, I did wonder why you kept listening to whatever I said. You didn’t seem exactly happy most of the time.”

“Because I believed in you. I still do,” he lowered his voice. “And, even if you didn’t like me, I still wanted to be closer to you I guess. Fuck, Enjolras, I had the biggest crush on you.” 

At one point it had been pretty much self-destructive. Maybe it was good they never pursued anything like a relationship in high school, it would have been toxic for the both of them, Grantaire could admit. And still, his admiration for Enjolras was still there, and he clearly was not a bad person. High school Enjolras would’ve fought with him over leaving, present Enjolras did no such a thing. Although he would have deserved it, maybe. Enjolras was different, but at the same time not really. It was still  _ Enjolras.  _ Fierce Enjolras who didn’t back down when he disagreed, he knew that much from hearing about him on the news. And Grantaire was still Grantaire, except that he wasn’t. He had more self respect now, in a way, and he was more aware of himself, in a good way. And he didn’t drink as often. Especially that. 

“And yet you didn’t notice my big ass crush on you?” Enjolras almost laughed. Mentally, Grantaire scolded himself for thinking about how had missed that laugh. 

“I guess I really am stupid,” he said. Their whole relationship was based on misunderstandings. 

“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant oblivious. We both were apparently.” Enjolras slowly started to smile. “We really fucked up, didn’t we?” 

“We did,” he admitted. It was so stupid. There they were, a whole 5 years later, discovering they both had been pining over each other. Grantaire wasn’t sure if that was a bad thing though. “But I fucked up more because I left for 5 years. And it would’ve been forever if it wasn’t for Jehan and Eponine forcing me to come here.”

Maybe he should’ve listened to Eponine and Courfeyrac when they talked about Enjolras having  _ ‘hearteyes _ ’ for him. But that just wasn’t how his head worked at the time. Believing Enjolras, of all people, was into him? There was absolutely no way. 

“I saw Jehan and Eponine from time to time. After highschool. I asked about you, we all did. Courfeyrac, Joly and Bossuet were especially upset about the fact that you just left us all. Bahorel too, he thought you stopped fencing and boxing because of him.”

“It was a really shitty move of me,” he could admit. 

“One day, about a year later, quite late at night, Feuilly came over to my dorm, and just went ‘do you think Grantaire hated us?’,” Enjolras said, “and I said ‘no, of course not’ but in reality I thought you did. But I couldn’t just tell him that! He looked so sad already. And I was so pissed off at you too, you have no idea. You just  _ left _ , Grantaire!”

And that almost broke his heart, the idea of Feuilly thinking he hated him.  _ Fuck.  _ He felt like he was going to cry. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” he tried to keep his breathing under control. “I didn’t hate any of you. I just wanted to do you a favour by disappearing,” he repeated. 

He should’ve listened to Jehan’s countless pleas to come back. Or to Eponine’s  _ ‘it’s all in your head, fuck Grantaire, just come to one meeting? _ ’. 

“I went to a therapist,” he then said. He owed it to Enjolras to admit it. Or maybe he didn’t, but he still wanted to. “About three years after high school. I’m on antidepressants now. Eponine practically forced me to, saying I should’ve gone like 5 years ago. I was upset at the time when she said it, but looking back, she was absolutely right. I really hated myself so much at the time, you have no idea. That, and other problems.”

“Are you happy with your life right now?” Enjolras asked, and his eyes looked so hopeful, like all he wanted in life was just to hear a simple yes. 

But Grantaire couldn’t give him that, not yet. “I’m-... I’m not sure,” he admitted. He was way better than in high school, by far, sure, but this whole thing never completely left him. It sometimes was still in the back of his mind, but he was getting better day by day. 

“I’m sorry you felt like you were a burden. It’s our fault.”

He winced. “It really  _ really  _ isn’t, it was all in my head.” 

“Please come hang out with us again,” it was said so quietly, Grantaire wasn’t even sure if he heard it right. 

“Won’t everyone be even more upset? I left you all for five whole years, Enjolras!” As if the other didn’t know that yet. 

Enjolras, instead of yelling back, gently grabbed his hand. “They will be upset, I’m not gonna deny that. But, if you tell them what you told me now, they’ll understand. It will be awkward in the beginning, but we all really do want you back.”

“Yea I find that hard to believe,” because even if they  _ didn’t _ hate him at the time, and even if they missed him, it didn’t take away from the fact that their Grantaire-less friend group had been the norm for years now. 

“Please just, come back? Even if it’s just for a bit. You’ll see we still want you.” 

“We should go back now,” Grantaire said. “I’m glad we had this talk, I really am, but I doubt they appreciate me coming back to then run of with you ten minutes later,” he tried making it sound like a joke, but there was some truth behind it, Courfeyrac had already made that clear. 

“Can I ask you one more thing though?” Enjolras took a sharp breath, and he almost sounded nervous, which in turn of course made him nervous too, resulting in only a small nod as reply. 

“Well, I was wondering,” he went on. “If maybe, now we’ve settled that we were both idiots in high school, if you maybe want to go out on a real date now?” 

Of all the things Grantaire imagined that could happen that night,  _ this  _ was not one of them. At all. 

He blinked once. Then twice. Then a third time for good measure. “Uhm,” he stammered. “Are you sure?” 

Now it was Enjolras’ time to simply nod. 

And while Grantaire would absolutely love to just say yes, because he really  _ really  _ wanted to say yes, he knew he couldn’t. “I’m not the same as I was in high school.”

“Neither am I.”

“What if you don’t like the new Grantaire?” Not that there was anything to like about the old Grantaire, if you asked him. 

“I doubt it, but okay,” Enjolras said quietly. “Listen I’m not asking you to marry me, I just thought, I don’t know, going on a date would be… nice.”

“Yea,” he agreed before he could stop himself. “I guess so.”

“Is that a yes?”

And only now he could allow himself to listen to his heart. “Yeah,” he lightly smiled, and Enjolras smile was so bright, it practically lit up the whole car. 

“Come on, let’s go,” he squeezed Grantaire’s hand one final time, before opening the door of the car. 

—-

A few hour later, it was almost as if absolutely nothing had changed in those five years. Cosette talked about Marius and her pregnancy, got him all caught up on the matter. Musichetta explained that Joly had had an accident a few years ago, hence the cane. She, Bossuet and Joly had been living together, not too far away from the university Joly was getting his doctor's degree, which he almost had. Bahorel spoke about boxing and fencing and Feuilly, and Feuilly made a few more remarks on how it was really a shitty thing Grantaire and he couldn’t blame him, so he didn’t. Combeferre talked about his studies and Courfeyrac and Enjolras being a pain in the ass sometimes. All the conversation was oldy comfortable, and while it was clear they still weren’t too happy with the ghosting, and rightfully so, they did seem happy he was back, and that was already more than Grantaire could’ve possibly asked for. 

And somehow Courfeyrac had managed to get everyone and everything covered in glitter by the end of the night, because some things really never change. 

And maybe, Grantaire was glad for Eponine and Jehan pushing him to come here. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I’ve never been to a high school reunion and it probably shows but I really wanted to write this so, here it is! Kudos and comments are always appreciated ^^


End file.
